Can't Change It

I was there in the solitude of the night. There in the laundry room at work. It was 5:30a.m. and I was doing my least favorite duty for such an hour. Folding cleaning rags. Boo. I've worked here in Idaho for nearly 7 months now and so it's no surprise that I feel like I have a personal relationship with EACH rag. I'm gonna be very blunt here but a lot of times while I'm folding rags I'm inwardly thumping my brain 🧠 and saying repeatedly how much I despise this task. Why can't I be at home in bed? Alarm clock set at 6 so I can hop out of bed and cook my Prince Charming pancakes and eggs before he dashes off into the morning to provide for me while I stay home and make it homey for all. 🙄 Or why can't I be on a 7 month excursion to South Eastern Asia, wining and dining? Or why can't I be an accomplished writer already on a book tour in Seattle where the coffee is always hot? 

Do you ever just feel a little behind the mark? Or like me, flights of stairs behind the mark? I'm not going to lie but there's two pictures of so called "success" I harbor in my nightmares and I haven't achieved either. I say there's two because my life dreams before I joined the church were a bit different than the life dreams within the church. While some of the dreams are much the same there are a few differences.... Such as: I wanted to be an actress in theatre 🎭, sing in musicals and write plays. I wanted to totally immerse myself in the performing arts. I also wanted to spend a few more years in Mexico 🇲🇽 getting the language down fluently and diving more into my heritage. 

The dreams that coexist in "both my lives" are really very typical. I wanted to meet a nice, young man and be a mom. Go on adventures with my little ones and help to see their dreams come true one day, too. While that dream may never come, I am gleefu, to say the least, that I have found joy in what life is right now, where I am at and surrounded by the people that I care most about. But it's hard isn't it? To hold onto dreams that may never come to pass while keeping up your courage to face another day. It's hard to live the life you never imagined.... Go thru troubled waters they didn't prepare you for in swimming lessons at the local pool. It's hard to see your friends move ahead in areas you thought you should be too. But you know what's even harder? Comparing and wishing things were different. 😐

I have a friend at the gym and in her office there's a sticky note stuck to her desktop, it reads: can't change it. Oh, we long for things to be different, we long for things to be less difficult. For things to be fair, for them to make sense. We want to be treated well and never ask the "why" questions.

Why did I face that tragedy that changed my life forever?

Why am I 32 and unmarried? 

Why did they have to die when I still needed them? 

Why am I not further ahead with my dreams and goals like the rest of my friends my age? 

Why didn't I go back to school? 

 The things that have happened, we can't them. What God will bring to pass today, we can't change it. We long for a sense of control over our lives and sometimes fear we've failed when things go out of our control. 

Entering my 30th year of life on this Earth, I felt like a total failure. Both my parents gone, physically and mentally exhausted, financially in shambles, single and with a big, broken heart. Nothing made sense, everything I touched seemed to fall apart. I would open the mailbox to a wedding invitation and sigh. Then I would cry because I STILL wasn't able to fully embrace happiness for my friends and the happiest moments of their lives. I would reach for the phone to call my mom and remember she wasn't here anymore to receive my call ... My heart would s-l-o-w-l-y deteriorate 🐢. Sometimes people would invite me over but I had a weird sense of wanting to be alone while not wanting to be alone at the same time. Ever felt that way? It seems to be the loneliest place I've ever been. 

There came a time I just wanted to feel well enough to work full time at the Manor but I was so drained emotionally. It felt like no one truly understood what I was going through. I would sit on the bathroom floor and cry. THIS WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE THIS WAY! 💔 I would ask God, if he wanted me to be single and make it on my own why couldn't my physical and mental health be better? Why couldn't I be stronger? Why did my mom have to die so shortly after I moved to be closer to her? Why did you let me meet that young man only to have everything fall apart in the end? And more recently: I've laid on the bathroom floor here in Idaho crying, wondering about all the why's all over again. 🤦🏽‍♀️ 

Before I go too far off on a tangent without ever really getting to the point. "In acceptance there is peace." Trust me, the first few times someone told me I just needed to accept things.... You better believe I bit my bottom lip, rolled my eyes, contemplated some choice words under my breath and stomped my foot. But as dumb as it may be to hear this old phrase, it's undeniably true. And that's not to say that we accept people walking all over us or accept that things will always be bad, so I'll just settle. We just need to accept where God has us, no matter where that is and accept that we can't change it. We need to accept that while we can't change our circumstances we can change our attitude about the circumstances and we can allow God to change our hearts. Yes, we can spend days, months, even years in denial or with regret and bitterness. That's seriously NO FUN. God literally has beauty all around for us and often the most beautiful things are seen in darkness. 

We must accept that God is in control. That he LOVES us. That he is the ultimate healer. He sees us for who we are, right where we are. He isn't going to leave us, he just needs us to accept HIM and that he will not fail us. Each of our stories don't have to make sense. Some of the best stories I've read DON'T make sense (aka Dr. Seuss.) It took me a long time to accept who I was, where I was at. To accept the losses and the lows. It has taken an even longer time to accept that a loving God in heaven allows tragedy and deep heartache. It has taken time to accept God. But the cool thing is... We can do it right now! No looking back, no running back, no hiding. We can take his hand RIGHT NOW and accept Him and that while things don't always feel ok, they're going to BE OK. 

The sooner we can accept Him, the sooner we can accept OURSELVES with our talents and our faults. Our dreams may shift around a bit but we're never too old to try. God gives us dreams for a reason. Some may last only a season and some may follow us to the ends of the our time. Be diligent. Take care of yourself. Start today in the direction of your dreams, holding onto God's firm grasp. It's never too late while there is life. 

Maybe your dream is to be a mom but the Lord hasn't brought it yet... It's gonna be ok! You are still an amazing woman of God! Your love for children radiates from your eyes. Your motherly instinct is there and it's real. Love on all the kiddos you can, help a momma whose overwhelmed, go teach, be the cool auntie, volunteer at a daycare. 

Maybe your dream was to entertain (one of mine. 🤗) But life took a different turn. That's ok! Keep writing and reading and expressing yourself! Start a blog, start a book, invite people over for an impromptu supper with funny games that show the best of everyone's personalities, laugh as much as you can.

Maybe your dream was to plan a wedding with your mom but she's no longer here. It will be ok! Talk to her anyway during that time. Maybe keep a journal of letters you write to her about the planning. Find a way to honor her memory. Be open with your friends, find people to carry you gently thru that time. Your mom can still be apart of your special day and even though it's long distance she is your guardian angel. 

Maybe your dream is that a relationship would mend back together but for right now things look different. It's going to be ok. God wants you to lean harder on him than you ever have, pray for the other and forgive with his help. Allow God to have his way over the situation. Realize, the pain has more to do with the one who may have walked away then to do with you. Be compassionate. Be gentle. Reach out to others going thru a similar battle. Be an ear, be a shoulder. 

God's got you always. 💜

-- 

ginger ✨

Because

By Ginger 

Why do I do it though? 

Why do I write? 

Because 

It is the surest way

Of expressing myself.

The good, the bad, the ugly.

I write because it is healing

And it's the fastest route

To reaching others. 

It gives me a reason to wake up tomorrow.

I know that the appropriate answer

Would be my family

Or friends

Or job

Or an awaited vacation

Those should be my reasons

But if I can't express,

If I can't be passionate,

If I can't love,

If I can't show up,

For myself tomorrow

How can I, for anyone else? 

To love yourself 

Is to truly be able

To love another

When we can show up

For ourselves

We can show up for others

When we can express

We can appreciate others expressing

When we are passionate about why we do

What we do

We can help others find 

And seek their passion too

Why do I write? 

Because 

When God gives you a talent

You use that talent

Not to be better than everyone else

But to glorify Him

To make the day better for someone else.

You just never know

All the lives you'll touch

Simply by being you

Doing what only you can do

So, uniquely

And exquisitely designed 

You are.

To make the world a better place 

With a handwritten hug.

With a "I've been there too,

You're going to make it!" 

To put words as an art form onto

White canvases.

With thought

And inspiration.

Why do I write?

Because

It gives me hope.

It builds my faith. 

It gives me direction forward.

It connects me to deeper purpose

And longings.

It gives me a chance.

It doesn't have to be perfect

It doesn't have to be fluid

It just has to be me. 

Fully

Embraced,

Boldy

Placed,

Where I can be my freest self.

I write because I can take myself

Back

To a place of heartfelt memories.

Or to right here

Where so many questions may lie.

Or ahead

Where dreams never die.

I can take myself

To an enchanting valley

Where fear can't follow.

To the highest peak 

Where just for a moment

I'm on top of the world.

I can tell of how much

I love who I love

Oh, so much.

I can scribble about wishes 

And encouragements

And forgiveness

And even about the things

That are hard to forgive. 

The things that are hard to face.

I can write about all the sunsets

We've yet to chase 

I write because it builds me.

I write because I love it.

And I love how it

Changes me.

Humbles me.

Moves me. 

I write about the past

So that I can see just how far

I've come

And I've come awfully far

Too far to give up now

On myself

On my passion

Because I write, I can face

The here,

The right now.

Because I write, I can thank

The One above who guides each

Stroke.

Because I write, I think

I strive,

I bleed, 

I smile, 

I thrive.