Save The Last Dance For Me

Save The Last Dance For Me

I will never be a perfect follower of my precious and perfect Jesus. Super-duper thing about knowing this is knowing my Jesus prefers progress over perfection. If we were perfect, we would have no need of him and we most certainly need him. We need a savior, a best friend with unlimited talk time, a superior cheerleader throughout our lives, a father figure who binds up wounds and carries us. 

Interesting fun fact: I grew up with an almost innate belief that God loved me. Like it just made total sense despite how crazy my life was...it wasn't until I was older that I began to believe that I needed to earn his love and protection. That I needed to be perfect and cross off so and so many boxes of accomplishments before the great teacher would look on me and reward me. I strove to make sure my prayers were just right...tried my hardest to make them sound like other peoples poetic prayers...I just couldn't do it. So there was that...the beginning of the end. *literal laugh out loud* I sounded dumb. I thought God wanted me to be scripted...being real and raw felt super vulnerable and I didn't want to create any chances that the Lord might "punish me" for my flaws. And when I couldn't do my hair humble enough, or show up quietly enough, or dress rightly enough, or behave Christian enough...prayer was my sole and last connection with God which quickly became a very static filled connection until I gave up trying prayer, too. 

Prayer is a distinct link that leads up to knowing God on a personal level, a level where he meets us wherever we're at on the journey. It teaches us huge lessons in patience and trust, if we let it. The Bible tells us we can come boldly to his throne. We can come just as we are. Pretty sure, the Bible doesn't say anything about prayers needing to be neat and tidy and Shakespearean. I had this preconceived belief that grew on me until it destroyed me like a harmful bacteria: if you can't even talk to God then just give up. He is tired of all your failed attempts to reach him. K, sooo, recently we had a really good sermon on prayer and it encouraged my worn out heart to try again. For awhile, I have been softly whispering to the Lord for a miracle....financial, mental, physical...those miracles sounded good but even deeper than that I just wanted to know God was with me, that it was going to be ok to trust him again. And when I say I whispered, I whispered very quietly as not to disturb God. Agh. DND prayers to God took me through major seasons of disappointment and I was convinced he was altogether tired of hearing my Ginger somewhere down there on planet Earth. After the sermon I decided...I would give prayer one more go. God invited me to a dance that started to look like more major disappointment turned into a major testimony.

I had just cancelled a very much anticipated trip due to unforeseen circumstances. My heart was yearning for a break of some kind. Breaks in whatever format just haven't been working out for me, so with the cancelled trip, I contacted another friend about going to see her for a couple days as an alternative. I got to the airport and everything went from dumb to dumber to dumbest within a matter of a couple hours. Long story short, my flight was cancelled after multiple delays, the next flight I got on they needed 9 people to get off of and by that point my frustration had boiled over, I was tired, I was crying. I was just done. Got off the plane and the entirety of the trip was cancelled. Chaos from 4am to 11am, yay. 2 hours of sleep for this, neato burrito. I remember sitting there at my gate as everything went from dumb to dumber and I thought "really, God? This...again? Another disappointment in a multitude of disappointments? Why. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME? This is NOT what I was praying to you about."--Now, yes, I'm gonna be honest here....I did receive a cutesy little voucher for hopping off the plane willingly but it didn't fill the gap of my disappointment just then. Anyway, as I exited the airport, I turned to see the memorial that was put up just after the 60 some who flew out of our airport died tragically in D.C., most of the perished being children and teens. Flowers, cards, balloons, and sticky notes with prayers on them somberly sat on neatly aligned tables. There I was drowsy in my misfortunes then jolted awake...These souls never made it to their destination, their homes, their jobs, their friends and families. I, however, got off my plane safely, getting another opportunity to go home, to know I am loved, to see my loved ones and have the potential to fly again. Maybe, just maybe God was protecting me from something? Maybe he needed to gently remind me of how much I have in this life he gifted me with? Maybe he was reassuring me "yes, child, it's ok to trust me again." ....After this little experience in humility and thankfulness another little miracle happened when a friend offered to pay me for my trip credit. I got to go home to bed, wake up and see another day, go to my favorite town and have coffee with a friend. God gave me a kiss on the cheek so to speak.

 I will probably travel again, I ended up with credits I never dreamed I'd have, I have another opportunity to trust God. The miracle of disappointment turning into dancing is a lesson my heart was praying for and I could've missed this lesson at any given point that day. God wanted me to go through this to realize the blessing he had waiting for me. "trust the process", "sometimes what didn't work out for you, really worked out for you." That's what 'they' say. 

Whatever season you're walking through, crawling through, running through or perhaps like me so often, stumbling through...You're gonna be ok. It's ok to trust him with whatever is going on. God has a season of dancing waiting for you, don't worry about your awkward footing, God's got you. Breakthroughs despite the broken pieces. Dances despite the disappointments. Ultimate joy despite the ultimate uncertainty. Wherever I am I hope God saves the last dance for me and that heaven is sure to be my eternity. That is my wish for you too.

I love you, friend. 

💕